Thursday, October 05, 2006

Just a crazy day for baseball

Yesterday I witnessed the most bizarre series of events to ever occur during a baseball game that did not involved Manny Ramirez.

Milton Bradley somehow manages to spill a cup of coffee on starting pitcher Esteban Louiza. Louiza needs to change his uniform but seems unscathed. This leads to a heated argument an inning later between Bradley, who isn’t know for his diplomatic skills, and the batting coach. They need to be separated. Good timing, Milton.

Torii Hunter inexplicably decides to pull a Coco Crisp and dive for a ball that he missed by two feet. Hunter makes that play 95% of the time. But the game is tied; there are two outs; if you keep it in front of the lead runner stops at third. What happens instead? Hunter just lays there like a wounded soccer player and watches a two-run inside the park homer.

However, nothing could prepare me for the Dodgers base running when TWO (TWO!!!) runners were thrown out at home plate on a line drive to right field. Jason Stark wrote an excellent article about the weirdest double play in postseason history, so I’ll just add a few comments.

How does this even happen? Rich Donnelly, the third base coach, just seemingly ignores J.D. Drew to watch the play at the plate. He even said so in the post-game comments. How? Why? What the hell were you thinking? Did Rich pick the over this week? I read his comments and his reasoning makes no sense at all. Seriously, if you would put “Wave-em Home” Wendell Kim and Dale Sveum together to brainstorm for a week they couldn’t dream up that scenario. Shouldn’t the Dodgers fire Rich Donnelly today?

I hope they get Bob Saget to do the Baseball Tonight. That would be the only sensible move in an otherwise crazy day.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Amicably Separating

I read this morning that Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra have decided to call it quits after nearly three years of marriage. Call me stupid, but I'm surprised. They really seemed happy. I read they stopped partying and basically stayed home and watched movies and played board games; the boring things normal married couples do when they settle down. I had also read repeatedly they were getting ready to have kids – this all made perfect sense. I ignored the following facts:

Electra was on her second marriage. Navarro on his third. Electra was previously married to Dennis Rodman. Navarro has been a rock star since his late teens and is a recovering drug addict.

Adding all this up, I shouldn't be surprised that Dave and Carmen got tired of the boring lifestyle. You never know when a nice, stable relationship will suddenly get old, stale and quite possibly confrontational.

With NFL training camp just around the corner, let's look at a few relationships with the potential to go sour quickly:

Terrell Owens and Drew Bledsoe

An aging quarterback with the slowest release in NFL history (those sack numbers aren't from lack of protection), a penchant for untimely picks, and no leadership ability. Seeing Bledsoe run the two-minute drill is like watching the British give William Wallace the treatment at the end of “Braveheart.” It is painful and terribly sad. You know it isn't going to end well.

Enter an extremely talented receiver with an ego the size of Texas, a huge new contract that seems to validate his behavior last season, and a history of feuding with quarterbacks a hell of a lot better than Bledsoe is now.

(Note: I threw up in my mouth when I read about T.O. asking "Why me?" to Bryant Gumble in a recent interview where he blamed the media for his image as a selfish player and troublemaker. Apparently he has no idea how he got that reputation. Somebody please pay Jeff Gillooly to hit Owens in the knee with a tire iron. But I digress.)

How is this possibly going to work? How many times does T.O. have to be wide open down the field with Bledsoe hanging onto the ball and getting sacked before Owens snaps on Drew and send the Cowboys into a downward-spiral? I'm setting the over/under at four.

(Parcells has to know this too. I think the Big Tuna is retiring for good after this season. If the Cowboys can't get to Super Bowl XLI in a pathetic NFC then they will never make it during his tenure.)

Corey Dillon and Bill Belichick

We saw some glimpses of the old Corey Dillon last season when injuries limited him to 733 yards. At the end of the year, he unleashed a profanity-laced tirade on reporters who suggested he might be breaking down. There were also rumors that Belichick didn't think that Dillon was working hard enough to get back on the field. Corey didn't take kindly to those suggestions either.

Entering this season, Dillon will have 2006 first round pick Laurence Maroney sharing the backfield duties with him. Belichick clearly hopes this will lit a fire under Dillon for one more year, with Maroney taking over full time duties in 2007. However, Dillon didn't take kindly to sharing the ball with Rudy Johnson in 2003. Dillon's constant complaining and bad attitude forced the trade to the Patriots prior to the 2004 season. For a team that tries desperately to avoid drama, this could be a real problem. By the end of the year, Dillon could be sitting home like Terry Glenn in 2001.

Chad Johnson and Marvin Lewis

Remember when Johnson reportedly took a swing at Lewis during halftime of the playoff game against the Steelers last season? (Both Johnson and Lewis deny a punch was thrown but something confrontational absolutely happened.) I'm sure Johnson and Lewis do as well. Add the handful of felons they drafted in the off season to the mix and it is certainly not going to help the situation. With the flurry of arrests of Bengals players (WR Chris Henry has been arrested four times since December. If he keeps this up he is going to make J.R. Rider look like Grant Hill.) it certainly looks like Lewis has taken the Jimmy Johnson Miami Hurricanes approach - Forget good guys. I want good players.

It clearly can work but you have to win or the bad guys get to be a distraction and do progressively worse things to destroy the team. Losing Carson Palmer last year was horrible luck and the Bengals might take a few steps back after clearly moving into contender status last year. If the Bengals get off to a bad start, things could get ugly quickly. With three of their first four games against the Chiefs, Steelers and Patriots, going winless in September is entirely possible. Chad might have to get in line to swing at Marvin Lewis then. The Bengals also might want to add a bail bonds man to their staff right now.

Colts Front Office and Tony Dungy

There reaches a point where piling up tons of regular season wins year after year backfires on you.
This happens when your team goes 48-16 in the regular season but with a losing record of 3-4 in the playoffs over the same period and never makes it to the Super Bowl. You get a reputation for not being able to win the big games. Tony Dungy has to start being accountable for this. He is lack of ability for in-game adjustments is simply staggering. Look at the games this past year with the Chargers and Steelers or previous seasons against the Patriots. The Colts never adjust to what's happening on the field. Moreover, there has to be a loss of respect from the team towards Dungy after Peyton Manning waved off the punting unit on fourth down during the playoff loss to the Steelers last season.

(If Tom Brady ever tried that, Belichick would have called a timeout; bitch-slapped Brady with the ferocity of a coked-up Ike Turner; punted the ball; and then played Doug Flutie for the rest of the game. You can't show up the coach.)

Just look what happened in Tampa. Gruden took over an underachieving Dungy team and led them to a Super Bowl victory in his first season. I could see a similar scenario playing out in Indy. If the Colts don't win it all this year, it is time for Dungy to go.

Giants Fans and Eli Manning

NYC is the biggest fishbowl in sports. Eli Manning has the incredible pressure of being the son of Archie, the brother of Peyton, the whiny bitch who forced his way out of SD (Would you trade Tomlinson and Rivers for Eli today? Didn't think so.), and the quarterback of the NY Giants. That's a lot of pressure for anyone. He had a fine 2nd year but looked lost against good teams. Eli was absolutely horrible in the playoffs against the Panthers. If Manning isn't more consistent this year, he should remember that hell hath no fury like New York sports fans towards players with huge expectations. Just ask A-ROD.


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Kobayashi Maru of Hot Dog Eating


If you were born before 1980, you know that line.

It is, of course, an angry, over-acted, curse from James T. Kirk (two-time Emmy award winning actor William Shatner) in “Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. It is an outstanding movie, mainly for the acting of Ricardo Montlaban, with the rest of the original television series cast along for the ride. It also features an incredibly sexy Kirstie Alley.

(Note: Those statements are absolutely true. Despite 40 years of over-dramatization, William Shatner did win two Emmys for his acting on Boston Legal. In 1982, Kirstie Alley was attractive. I know I’d probably have a better chance of convincing you that I have authentic alien autopsy photos, but I swear I’m telling the truth.)

This film also gave us the Kobayashi Maru – a training simulation for cadets to prepare for the no-win scenario. It has long since been adapted to every day language to describe any situation where the outcome is a predetermined failure. Some examples: when your boss gives you a ridiculous deadline, your girlfriend tries to force a wedding proposal, or Brett Favre decides not to retire and doom your football team to another season of frequent and untimely interceptions. If you say “I just couldn’t win. It was the Kobayashi Maru.” to any male between 25 and 50, they’ll know exactly what you are talking about. The Kobayashi Maru scenario – serving the “I’m screwed” community since 1982.

Fast forward to 2006. Kobayashi has taken on a new meaning. The concept is basically the same though – you just can’t win. I’m not talking about the Kobayashi Maru anymore. I’m referring to Takeru Kobayashi, the undisputed champion of competitive eating. He just won his fifth straight Mustard Belt at Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest held every Fourth of July in Coney Island, New York. For the uninitiated (count me among them), that’s the Super Bowl of eating competitions. The Mustard Belt, as explained during the broadcast: “That’s our green jacket.”

Let’s get to the truly shocking part first. Kobayashi is not a big fat slob. He is 5’ 8”. He is somewhat androgynous looking. He fanatically lifts weights and his physique is Bowflex commercial sculpted. Oh, and he weighs 165 lbs. Yeah, 165 lbs. I’m completely serious.

I’ve slept with girls whose THIGHS weighed 165 lbs. It never cost me more than eight bucks to feed them the next morning.

I just watched this guy set a new world record by eating 53.75 hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. That’s around 17,000 calories and 800 grams of fat. Where the hell does it all go?

His training is simple. He drinks tons of water and exercises like a lunatic. This makes his stomach stretch. Apparently, your stomach can stretch more without having to contend with the layers of fat. This lean approach went against against popular thinking that said you needed to be a Star Jones Reynolds impersonator to have a chance, but much like the late Darryl Kile, Kobayashi changed the game.

Since Kobayashi arrived on the scene in 2001, he had been largely uncontested. This year it appeared a newcomer, 22-year-old American Joey Chestnut, would push him. Chestnut has a soft-spoken, kind of goofy smiling, Adam Sandler/Phil Mickelson thing going on. He seemed like a nice enough guy, had eaten 40 hot dogs in a qualifying event, was the world champion eating grilled cheese sandwiches and asparagus, but just like Mickelson under pressure, he came up short.

It was boring to watch because the outcome never seemed in question. Chestnut was red faced, struggling, and hurried. Kobayashi was methodical and completely composed. There was some controversy whether Kobayashi vomited in the final minute, which is an automatic disqualification, but the judges ruled it was clean. (Vomiting is called a “Reversal of Fortune.” I need to work that into my everyday vocabulary somehow.) Maybe 2007 will be the year of the Chestnut; but not this year.

The hosts were Paul Page doing play-by-play and color commentator Richard Shea. Richard Shea is the president of the eating federation that sanctions these competitions. He is also by far the most entertaining element of the show so we are devoting the rest of the column to him.

Before I continue, let me make one thing clear: Richard Shea was absolutely serious when he made the following statements. No way was he joking. No way. If you didn’t see it yourself, you’ll just have to trust me.

I’m convinced Richard Shea is some synthetic hybrid drawn from the genes of Don King, Brent Musburger, Joe Morgan, and Baghdad Bob. Frankly he deserves a much better name than “Richard Shea.” Let’s call him Coney Island Dick. During the hour-long broadcast, Coney Island Dick actually said the following things (my comments in parentheses):

“Joey Chestnut is the Kasey Kahne of our sport. The Great American Hope.”

(What does that mean? Kasey Kahne is a NASCAR driver. I can’t think of one NASCAR driver who isn’t American. That makes no sense at all.)

“Kobayashi is the finest athlete practicing any sport in the world.”

(Then he went on to claim that Kobayashi also invented the polio vaccine and the question mark. Ok, I just made that part up. However, if he says it next year, and it is entirely possible, then you heard it here first.)

“Lance Armstrong is the Kobayashi of cycling”

(WHAT!!! If you even dare make the comparison, isn’t it the other way around? Shouldn’t Dick be arrested for comparing a hot dog eater to a seven-time Tour De France champion, who also happens to be a freakin cancer survivor, in a way that makes the competitive eater sound more famous, admirable, and accomplished?)

“Crazy Legs Conti is a superstar. He’s leveraged the sport to achieve world-wide celebrity.”

(*Shaking Head*. Yeah, he is probably a household name in Germany, alongside David Hasselhoff and John Tesh.)

“Don’t try this at home. These are trained athletes”

(Sorry to break it to you, Dick. This isn’t “That’s Incredible.” Cathy Lee Crosby used to give that disclaimer when some lunatic was about to fly a flaming crop-duster under the Arc de Triomphe. This isn’t quite so risky. It’s called eating and people do it at home everyday.)

“If Chestnut wins the contest, it will change the course of this nation.”

(Why not just say “the fate of the free world is at stake?” Why swim half the lake with your delusions of grandeur, Dickie? Did I blink and miss Joey Chestnut turning into Jack Bauer?)

“America needed a hero. America got a hero in Joey Chestnut.”

(Since when do our heroes finish second place in eating contests? If Charles Barkley is not a role model, then Joey Chestnut sure as hell isn’t one either. Did one single person feel like they were watching Joey Chestnut pass Jim Craig and Mike Eruzione in the hearts of patriotic Americans everywhere? If Al “Do you believe in miracles” Michaels was watching this, do you think he wanted to punch Dick in the face?)

We’ll never know the answers to these many questions, but I do know one thing. I’ll be tuning in next year. Frankly, I don’t care who wins as long as Coney Island Dick is calling the game.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

The Head-Butt Heard Round the World

I’m the same as most Americans when it comes to soccer. I find it boring. Not enough scoring and too much flopping.

I did watch the final game though since it is a major sporting event. The game was predictably lackluster. A 1-1 tie for much of the game and then decided on penalty kicks.

Don’t penalty kicks seem to favor the kicker way too much to fairly decide a championship? I completely understand the goalie really just has to guess where the kick is going and dive. Nevertheless, it does look funny to see the goaltender flopping around in the wrong direction while the ball sails into the net. That’s almost every penalty kick. The only shot that didn’t result in a goal simply glanced off the crossbar. Neither goaltender came within ten feet of any shot. But that’s not why I’m writing this post. I’m writing because of the head-butt.

I’ve never seen the best player on a team get kicked out of a championship game. Never.

Roger Clemens got ejected from a playoff game in 1990 while pitching for the Red Sox. The umpire claims he was cursing at him. That’s the closely I could think of, and frankly, it isn’t close at all.

If there is a precedent for this, I certainly don’t remember it. I remember Cam Neely grabbing Ulf Samuelsson by the back of the head and smashing his face into the boards several times before getting tossed. That was five minutes into a regular season game and Ulfie deserved it anyway. For Neely, it was definitely worth it and it didn’t cost his team.

For Zinedine Zidane to go after Italy’s Marco Materazzi during overtime of the World Cup championship game like Hanrahan charging Reg Dunlop is simply unbelievable. You just can’t lose your cool with so much at stake.

The replay clearly showed them talking before the assault. Do you think Materazzi called Zidane’s wife a dyke? I guess we’ll never know.

Congrats to the winners. You stay classy, Italy.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Best In Show of the 2006 U.S. Open

Best In Show of the 2006 U.S. Open.

The Women’s U.S. Open just doesn’t interest me. I watched every swing of the men’s tournament at Winged Foot, but really could not care less about watching women’s golf. I’m a big sports fan, in general, but couldn’t really come up a single reason to turn on the TV for this. And then, it hit me.

What if I just objectified the women? (Men do that from time to time.) Would that make it at least remotely entertaining? What if I watched the U.S. Open the same way millions of people watch the Westminster Dog Show – just to see who is the cutest?

Now that’s an idea. So, without any further ado, I bring you the Best in Show of the 2006 U.S. Open, Westminster Dog Show style.

Introducing your contestants, in final leaderboard order:

Annika Sorenstam

I know she is the greatest female golfer ever. She is the MJ of the LPGA. She just won her tenth major, which is ridiculous. Still, she is scary. She is jacked in a disgusting Martina Navratilova kind of way. What are the odds her name was blacked out on the Jason Grimsley affidavit? Anyone want to take action on that? Didn’t think so.

I also refuse to believe she is Swedish. Don’t you get that Ivan Drago “I must break you" feeling from her that only comes from the old school USSR? The KGB must have planted her in Sweden at a very young age, just like Kevin Costner in “No Way Out.”

Pat Hurst

Reminds me of every Samoan offensive lineman ever to play in the NFL. Truly frightening. I swear she was an extra in "Bloodsport". I’d love to see her fight Jean-Claude Van Damme in the next season of UFC Ultimate Fighter.

You can’t tell me this exchange doesn’t go on at least once a week between Pat and her coach:

Coach: What is that? What the hell is that?

Pat: A jelly donut.

Coach: A jelly donut? How did it get here?

Pat: I took it from the pressroom.

Coach: Is food allowed on the driving range, Pat?

Pat: No.

Coach: Are you allowed to eat jelly donuts, Pat?

Pat: Umm, no.

Coach: And why not, Pat?

Pat: Because I’m too heavy.


Michelle Wie

She is only 16. That is all I have to say about Michelle Wie until October 11, 2007. I might be crazy, but I’m not insane.

Stacy Prammanasudh

Above average looks. Am I the only one shocked that she is a native Oklahoma Sooner with a last name that is longer than my penis?

Se Ri Pak

The definition of average. The kind of woman you see at Bickford’s on a Sunday morning.

Juli Inkster

Usually spelling Juli with the “i” (kind of like Ali with an ‘i”) is a good indicator of sexy (See Juli Ashton). Clearly, that’s not always the case. I know she is older (born in 1960), but still she has a strange look about her. She is really only a moustache away from being a Jeff Hostetler impersonator and that’s not good.

Brittany Lincicome

A pretty face but kind of sloppy body. Jay Bilas would definitely comment on her length (5’ 10”). She is only 21 so maybe she hires a personal trainer and moves up a full letter grade in the next few years. Here’s hoping she has a “breakout year.”

Rachel Hetherington

With a fancy name like HETHERINGTON, you’d think she might be appearing in this year's SI Swimsuit issue, but not so fast. Sadly, this Aussie looks more like Shari Lewis than Nicole Kidman. Nevertheless, if I’m using Lambchop as a condom, I’d do her.

Shi Hyun Ahn

Kind of reminds me of the one of the hot samurai chicks in "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon."

Amanda Blumenherst

She scores well but not great for now but that can change quickly. I wanted to make her grade higher, but she has that Seinfeld thing going on where sometimes she looks hot and sometimes she looks terrible. I can’t decide which. Until I hear back from Costanza, she is a B player. She has great potential though. (Am I the only one that hears Mel Kiper saying “She’s tall. She’s got a strong arm. She’s tall…”, whenever someone says the word “potential”?) She is only a freshman at Duke and still an amateur so she could round into form in the next few years.

Patricia Meunier-Lebouc

Actually kind of cute, but loses points for wearing the silly Bob Denver Gilligan’s Island hat all the time. Plus, she is French, which means she most likely smells, has bad manners, loves Jerry Lewis, and has a bumper sticker on her car that says “I’d rather be testing Lance Armstrong’s ten year old urine samples for performance enhancing drugs.”

Sophie Gustafson

She is from Sweden? Really? Jesus, there goes my stereotypical image of all Swedish women looking like Elin Nordegren or Elin Grindemyr.

If you wanted to get odds on her having dated Ellen Degeneres or Rosie O’Donnell, no one in Vegas would touch that bet.

Young Kim

Doesn’t Young Kim sound like she should be touring with 50 Cent or singing backup vocals for Snoop Dogg? Do you think she has a posse that smokes chronic in the gallery and starts fights with random fat white guys who look at them the wrong way?

Natalie Gulbis

Ok, I’m sure this is going to cause the most controversy, if only because almost every guy at least knows who Natalie Gulbis is, unlike most of these women. She is clearly the most overrated “sexy” female athlete in sports. Easily. It is not even close. She is not even the hottest girl in golf.

I can remember the first time I read about her because the headline was “The Anna Kournikova of Golf.” I can remember my reaction like it was yesterday. “Whoa! Really? Damn…” And then flipping to the pages and saying “What??? If Anna spent a long weekend in a Vegas hotel room with Dennis Rodman and R Kelly she would still look better than her!!!”

It is not that she isn’t attractive. But here is the problem: Comparing her to Kournikova is like the dreaded Jordan comparison. You just can’t do it. Everyone wants to do it – you just can’t do it. There might never be another time where a female athlete is considered the hottest girl on the planet. It’s ridiculous to think anyone is the next Kournikova/Jordan. Think about all of the crappy players that were supposed to be the next Jordan and they always come up short. Now, Gulbis is not Harold “Baby Jordan” Miner short, but she certainly isn’t Dwyane Wade either. She is somewhere in between. This is fine; let’s just not get carried away.

She is arguably the cutest one in a group of ugly bridesmaids. That’s exactly what this is. Compared to the relative population (The LGPA tour), she SEEMS like a perfect 10. But put her in the rest of the hot athlete population and she is just a solid B player. Nice legs, no curves (Strangely, she looks better in golf attire than in those bikini calendars shots. How is that possible? Is she stuffing her bra during tournaments?), and a semi-weathered face (She looks 5-10 years older) that seems a little too big for her head sometimes. That’s Natalie Gulbis.

I was shocked when I heard Ben Roethlisberger was dating her. Again, she is hot but he is selling himself way short. He needs to go through the crazy tramp rotation of Tara Reid/Mariah Carey/Paris Hilton types before he settles for a nice, attractive, seemingly well-adjusted girl like her.

I think it was Charlie Sheen, a man who has forgotten more about getting laid than anyone of us will ever know, who summed it up best. “It’s not about who is the best looking girl in the world. It’s about who is the most available in the room at the time.” That says it all. If you are in a room of LPGA golfers and it is getting late, Gulbis is an excellent choice. However, if you are at the ESPY’s, first you go after Anna K, Jennie Finch, Heather Mitts, Natalie Coughlin, Tanith Belbin, Sasha Cohen, Katarina Witt, John Clayton - Ok, just kidding about Clayton, but you get the idea. She is not at the top of the list.

Sherri Turner

Oh my God. Are we sure that’s a woman? Has anyone done a DNA test? I just had a Crying Game moment.

Paula Creamer

Ok, now we are talking. Very pretty face, nice body, and the kind of pectoral development that got Johnny Miller into a lot of trouble a few years back. Plus, unlike Gulbis or Wie, she actually wins some tournaments. What a novel concept. She should be the LPGA poster child for years to come.

Extended Tangent Alert: I know every reader is screaming about Michelle Wie being the poster child for the LPGA and becoming the Tiger Woods of women’s golf. I respectfully disagree and here is why.

Her father is doing an awful job of managing her career and pushing her to levels where she isn’t ready. Finishing second all the time doesn’t help development or build confidence. It makes you wonder if you’ll ever win or, even worse, become complacent finishing in the top 5 and high on the money list each year (i.e. Phil Mickelson until a few years ago – though the old Phil might be back after “The Meltdown at Winged Foot.”).

I wouldn’t be surprised if Michelle Wie turns into the next Anna Kournikova/Sergio Garcia/Ron Powlus – the can’t miss teenager who never gets it together. Paula Creamer can’t be anyone of those people because she’s already won multiple LPGA events. Annika Sorenstram had won a ton of majors before trying to qualify on the men’s tour to get more of a challenge. Michelle Wie should try winning on her own tour before even thinking about competing with the men. It just doesn’t make sense and I think she is going to suffer a Jennifer Capriati like fate for it. But, I digress. Back to Paula Creamer.

So, she is hot; a winner; and she is only 19. What else does she have going for her? She has a porn name so great that even Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell would have to stand up and clap. Seriously, for a moment lets assume you didn’t know she was a golfer. If you got a popup from some website that was promoting “Never Say Never to Rocco Siffredi #17 starring Ashley Blue, Savanna Samson, and Paula Creamer”, would you even think for a second that her name looked out of place?

Catriona Matthew

Nothing really to say except that she has got good teeth for a Scot and doesn’t look a thing like Mrs. Doubtfire. Take that, Monty.

Karen Stupples

A few notches above average. Plus she has the somewhat bizarre “Indecent Proposal” like background story of waiting tables after graduating from Florida State and then one night having a patron offer to sponsor her for three years on the tour. Do you think Woody Harrelson could star in this movie? He needs the work. Last time I checked, legalizing hemp doesn’t pay the bills.

Kristina Tucker

This girl might be a ringer. Are we sure she isn’t from Scores? Absolutely gorgeous, great body, tall, blonde, and Swedish. She was a contestant on a reality show on the Golf Channel called “The Big Break” (Did anyone know this show even existed?), but apparently didn’t win. Hopefully she makes it on the tour – she had to win a qualifier to get into the Open this year. The LPGA will be a happier place with women like her.

Shani Waugh

Bears a striking resemblance to Mike Holmgren. Interpret that however you like.

Sherri Steinhauer

Not unattractive, especially for a 40+ old woman.

Lorie Kane

If you just showed me her body from the neck down I would have sworn it was Bill Parcells. There is nothing more to say.

Morgan Pressel

She is only 18 and if she loses the “Freshman 15”, she goes up to a few notches. A dominant amateur player, she is a virtual lock to be a star on the LPGA for the next 20 years. Very cute girl-next-door features, but let’s hope she doesn’t go her whole life having an inferior rack to Phil Micklelson.

Note: Does anyone else think that Phil might actually have a chance of placing in the money at a wet t-shirt contest? He is not winning outright, but I might put $50 on him as part of a boxed trifecta.

Ai Miyazato

She is fairly attractive. But she is from Okinawa, Japan…so if I say anything more will I offend someone’s honor and be forced to fight to the death in a Benihana style restaurant while dozens of strangers play with little drums in the background? I’m not taking any chances.

Carin Koch

Very attractive, blonde Swede. Only thing notable is her soon to be launched clothing line, the Carin K Collection, which will include shirts, skirts, Capri pants, and tunics. Yeah, tunics. You read that right. Is there a market for tunics outside of Delta Tau Chi? Really? I guess the real question is does anyone who purchases a tunic automatically get placed on double secret probation?

Cristie Kerr

Very sexy. Movie star good looks. Her face is like a cross between Audrey Heller Raines and Angelina Jolie. Don’t ask where I’m going with that, but it works for her. Just to get a idea of how hot she is, looking at pictures of Cristie at a fundraiser with people like Elizabeth Hurley and Melania Knauss, she still holds up well. That says a lot.

Tracy Hanson

She is not very attractive to start off, but judging from her website she appears to be some kind of born again Christian, which is very frightening. I only like women who take the Lord’s name in vain.

Jeong Jang

Cute face, but the short, stocky spark plug look really isn’t in fashion this year. Or next year. Or the year after that.

Dawn Coe-Jones

That’s a man, baby! Seriously, what is the drug testing policy on the LPGA? Her swing coach has to be East German, right?

Julieta Granada

At first I didn’t know why she looked so familiar, but then it came to me. It’s Pedro from "Napoleon Dynamite".

Heather Young

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse. This is the female version of Coach K. I’m completely serious.

Lindsey Wright

Quite attractive. Beautiful eyes and very nice smile. And due to the lack of real media coverage of women’s golf I can’t think of another damn thing to say about her.

Wendy Ward

Not good. It’s just not. This isn’t Wendy Testaburger, but she still might make Stan Marsh puke on sight.

Maria Hjorth

Big boned with bleached white hair, bad teeth, and a seriously deranged “28 days later” look in her eyes heavily outweigh the fact that she is Swedish.

Aree Song

Pretty face with a nice firm, supple teenage body. Plus, she is from Bangkok and I still have a huge Beavis and Butthead streak in me despite the fact that I’m 33 years old. When I read her bio, my internal narrator said “You said ‘Bangkok.’ Heh, heh heh. Yeah, heh heh. That rules. Heh heheh.”

Mi Hyun Kim

According to the website,, that tracks the careers of several female Korean golfers, her nickname is Peanut since she is 5’ 1” and she is arguably, pound for pound, the longest hitter since she drives the ball 265-270 yards. That’s enough length to make John Holmes proud. Luckily, she happens to pack some curves into that tight little frame.

Yuri Fudoh

A chipmunk face and Mark Cuban haircut makes her pretty scary.

Nancy Scranton

A twenty-year pro who just squeezed out twins in December 2004 at age 43 and still has a decent body. She is certainly not Stifler’s Mom, but some MILF points make her slightly above average.

Alena Sharp

A 24-year-old Canadian with an athletic build and a face that reminds me of the girl who works in the consulate in "Lethal Weapon 2." She pretty much has the same hair cut as Steve Nash, but much less greasy. Alena also doesn’t possess that extremely disturbing Nash wandering eye. Am I the only one that yells “Get away from me you lazy eyed psycho!” at the screen whenever they show Nash’s eye wandering off to Pluto? Anyway, she is definitely pretty.

Angela Stanford

Thought she had a decent face, but once I got below the waist she plummeted. She has thighs like Earl Campbell. If I’m drafting a running back in the first round that’s great. If I’m a woman on the LPGA tour it is down right frightening.

Karine Icher

Great body and a pretty face. With shoulder length hair she might even be a contender. She's French but she lives in Switzerland. I’m going to assume she’s given up the Jerry Lewis beliefs and not penalize her for that.

Moira Dunn

Picture Andy Reid in drag. Are you ok? Yeah, you passed out for a few minutes, but you’ll be all right. Take a few deep breaths and let’s move on.

Diana Luna

The pictures on her website,, range from very cute girl next door to sultry, sexy as hell, “I could make a few episodes of Red Shoe Diaries if this golf thing doesn’t work out” hot. Definitely among the contenders.

Ashley Knoll

Just a junior at Texas A&M, she is definitely hot. Tall and slender with piercing eyes. She also finishes second only to Paula Creamer in the quality porn star name category.

Silvia Cavalleri

Nothing really positive or negative either way. Not hard on the eyes; she has a decent body. If she let her hair grow longer than chin length she should definitely grade higher.

Note: Am I the only guy that thinks EVERY girl looks better with long hair? Only a rare exulted few can pull off the short hair thing and only if you have an exceptionally pretty face, like a Cameron Diaz. Most don’t and look more like Billie Jean King.

Rosie Jones

Speaking of Billie Jean, Rosie Jones made headlines in 2004 by publicly acknowledging she is a lesbian. I couldn’t be happier. We don’t want her playing with our team anyway. Since women are much more forgiving, maybe now she has a 5% chance that she won’t die alone.

Beth Bader

She’s tall, she’s got a strong arm, and she also has the worst haircut on the tour – and that is really saying something. Doesn’t Beth know that the freaky side parted bouffant went out with...wait, who am I kidding? It was never cool to have a hairstyle that would make Rip Taylor blush.

Denise Munzlinger

I swear on a stack of Gideon bibles I thought she was white trash cute before I read she was from Missouri.

Final Results
  1. Kristina Tucker (BEST IN SHOW)
  2. Cristie Kerr
  3. Diana Luna
  4. Paula Creamer
  5. Natalie Gulbis
  6. Ashley Knoll
  7. Amanda Blumenherst
  8. Carin Koch
  9. Mi Hyun Kim
  10. Lindsey Wright
  11. Alena Sharp
  12. Karine Icher
  13. Morgan Pressel
  14. Aree Song
  15. Shi Hyun Ahn
  16. Karen Stupples
  17. Nancy Scranton
  18. Denise Munzlinger
  19. Sherri Steinhauer
  20. Silvia Cavalleri
  21. Brittany Lincicome
  22. Rachel Hetherington
  23. Young Kim
  24. Ai Miyazato
  25. Jeong Jang
  26. Se Ri Pak
  27. Catriona Matthew
  28. Angela Stanford
  29. Wendy Ward
  30. Yuri Fudoh
  31. Tracy Hanson
  32. Beth Bader
  33. Juli Inkster
  34. Maria Hjorth
  35. Annika Sorenstam
  36. Julieta Granada
  37. Sophie Gustafson
  38. Patricia Meunier-LeBouc
  39. Shani Waugh
  40. Pat Hurst
  41. Rosie Jones
  42. Moira Dunn
  43. Dawn Coe-Jones
  44. Heather Young
  45. Sherri Turner
  46. Lorie Kane