Best In Show of the 2006 U.S. Open.
The Women’s U.S. Open just doesn’t interest me. I watched every swing of the men’s tournament at Winged Foot, but really could not care less about watching women’s golf. I’m a big sports fan, in general, but couldn’t really come up a single reason to turn on the TV for this. And then, it hit me.
What if I just objectified the women? (Men do that from time to time.) Would that make it at least remotely entertaining? What if I watched the U.S. Open the same way millions of people watch the Westminster Dog Show – just to see who is the cutest?
Now that’s an idea. So, without any further ado, I bring you the Best in Show of the 2006 U.S. Open, Westminster Dog Show style.
Introducing your contestants, in final leaderboard order:Annika Sorenstam
I know she is the greatest female golfer ever. She is the MJ of the LPGA. She just won her tenth major, which is ridiculous. Still, she is scary. She is jacked in a disgusting Martina Navratilova kind of way. What are the odds her name was blacked out on the Jason Grimsley affidavit? Anyone want to take action on that? Didn’t think so.
I also refuse to believe she is Swedish. Don’t you get that Ivan Drago “I must break you" feeling from her that only comes from the old school USSR? The KGB must have planted her in Sweden at a very young age, just like Kevin Costner in “No Way Out.”Pat Hurst
Reminds me of every Samoan offensive lineman ever to play in the NFL. Truly frightening. I swear she was an extra in "Bloodsport". I’d love to see her fight Jean-Claude Van Damme in the next season of UFC Ultimate Fighter.
You can’t tell me this exchange doesn’t go on at least once a week between Pat and her coach:
Coach: What is that? What the hell is that?
Pat: A jelly donut.
Coach: A jelly donut? How did it get here?
Pat: I took it from the pressroom.
Coach: Is food allowed on the driving range, Pat?
Coach: Are you allowed to eat jelly donuts, Pat?
Pat: Umm, no.
Coach: And why not, Pat?
Pat: Because I’m too heavy.
Coach: BECAUSE YOU ARE A DISGUSTING FAT BODY!!!Michelle Wie
She is only 16. That is all I have to say about Michelle Wie until October 11, 2007. I might be crazy, but I’m not insane.Stacy Prammanasudh
Above average looks. Am I the only one shocked that she is a native Oklahoma Sooner with a last name that is longer than my penis?Se Ri Pak
The definition of average. The kind of woman you see at Bickford’s on a Sunday morning.Juli Inkster
Usually spelling Juli with the “i” (kind of like Ali with an ‘i”) is a good indicator of sexy (See Juli Ashton). Clearly, that’s not always the case. I know she is older (born in 1960), but still she has a strange look about her. She is really only a moustache away from being a Jeff Hostetler impersonator and that’s not good.Brittany Lincicome
A pretty face but kind of sloppy body. Jay Bilas would definitely comment on her length (5’ 10”). She is only 21 so maybe she hires a personal trainer and moves up a full letter grade in the next few years. Here’s hoping she has a “breakout year.”Rachel Hetherington
With a fancy name like HETHERINGTON, you’d think she might be appearing in this year's SI Swimsuit issue, but not so fast. Sadly, this Aussie looks more like Shari Lewis than Nicole Kidman. Nevertheless, if I’m using Lambchop as a condom, I’d do her.Shi Hyun Ahn
Kind of reminds me of the one of the hot samurai chicks in "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon."Amanda Blumenherst
She scores well but not great for now but that can change quickly. I wanted to make her grade higher, but she has that Seinfeld thing going on where sometimes she looks hot and sometimes she looks terrible. I can’t decide which. Until I hear back from Costanza, she is a B player. She has great potential though. (Am I the only one that hears Mel Kiper saying “She’s tall. She’s got a strong arm. She’s tall…”, whenever someone says the word “potential”?) She is only a freshman at Duke and still an amateur so she could round into form in the next few years.Patricia Meunier-Lebouc
Actually kind of cute, but loses points for wearing the silly Bob Denver Gilligan’s Island hat all the time. Plus, she is French, which means she most likely smells, has bad manners, loves Jerry Lewis, and has a bumper sticker on her car that says “I’d rather be testing Lance Armstrong’s ten year old urine samples for performance enhancing drugs.”Sophie Gustafson
She is from Sweden? Really? Jesus, there goes my stereotypical image of all Swedish women looking like Elin Nordegren or Elin Grindemyr.
If you wanted to get odds on her having dated Ellen Degeneres or Rosie O’Donnell, no one in Vegas would touch that bet.Young Kim
Doesn’t Young Kim sound like she should be touring with 50 Cent or singing backup vocals for Snoop Dogg? Do you think she has a posse that smokes chronic in the gallery and starts fights with random fat white guys who look at them the wrong way?Natalie Gulbis
Ok, I’m sure this is going to cause the most controversy, if only because almost every guy at least knows who Natalie Gulbis is, unlike most of these women. She is clearly the most overrated “sexy” female athlete in sports. Easily. It is not even close. She is not even the hottest girl in golf.
I can remember the first time I read about her because the headline was “The Anna Kournikova of Golf.” I can remember my reaction like it was yesterday. “Whoa! Really? Damn…” And then flipping to the pages and saying “What??? If Anna spent a long weekend in a Vegas hotel room with Dennis Rodman and R Kelly she would still look better than her!!!”
It is not that she isn’t attractive. But here is the problem: Comparing her to Kournikova is like the dreaded Jordan comparison. You just can’t do it. Everyone wants to do it – you just can’t do it. There might never be another time where a female athlete is considered the hottest girl on the planet. It’s ridiculous to think anyone is the next Kournikova/Jordan. Think about all of the crappy players that were supposed to be the next Jordan and they always come up short. Now, Gulbis is not Harold “Baby Jordan” Miner short, but she certainly isn’t Dwyane Wade either. She is somewhere in between. This is fine; let’s just not get carried away.
She is arguably the cutest one in a group of ugly bridesmaids. That’s exactly what this is. Compared to the relative population (The LGPA tour), she SEEMS like a perfect 10. But put her in the rest of the hot athlete population and she is just a solid B player. Nice legs, no curves (Strangely, she looks better in golf attire than in those bikini calendars shots. How is that possible? Is she stuffing her bra during tournaments?), and a semi-weathered face (She looks 5-10 years older) that seems a little too big for her head sometimes. That’s Natalie Gulbis.
I was shocked when I heard Ben Roethlisberger was dating her. Again, she is hot but he is selling himself way short. He needs to go through the crazy tramp rotation of Tara Reid/Mariah Carey/Paris Hilton types before he settles for a nice, attractive, seemingly well-adjusted girl like her.
I think it was Charlie Sheen, a man who has forgotten more about getting laid than anyone of us will ever know, who summed it up best. “It’s not about who is the best looking girl in the world. It’s about who is the most available in the room at the time.” That says it all. If you are in a room of LPGA golfers and it is getting late, Gulbis is an excellent choice. However, if you are at the ESPY’s, first you go after Anna K, Jennie Finch, Heather Mitts, Natalie Coughlin, Tanith Belbin, Sasha Cohen, Katarina Witt, John Clayton - Ok, just kidding about Clayton, but you get the idea. She is not at the top of the list.Sherri Turner
Oh my God. Are we sure that’s a woman? Has anyone done a DNA test? I just had a Crying Game moment.Paula Creamer
Ok, now we are talking. Very pretty face, nice body, and the kind of pectoral development that got Johnny Miller into a lot of trouble a few years back. Plus, unlike Gulbis or Wie, she actually wins some tournaments. What a novel concept. She should be the LPGA poster child for years to come.
Extended Tangent Alert: I know every reader is screaming about Michelle Wie being the poster child for the LPGA and becoming the Tiger Woods of women’s golf. I respectfully disagree and here is why.
Her father is doing an awful job of managing her career and pushing her to levels where she isn’t ready. Finishing second all the time doesn’t help development or build confidence. It makes you wonder if you’ll ever win or, even worse, become complacent finishing in the top 5 and high on the money list each year (i.e. Phil Mickelson until a few years ago – though the old Phil might be back after “The Meltdown at Winged Foot.”).
I wouldn’t be surprised if Michelle Wie turns into the next Anna Kournikova/Sergio Garcia/Ron Powlus – the can’t miss teenager who never gets it together. Paula Creamer can’t be anyone of those people because she’s already won multiple LPGA events. Annika Sorenstram had won a ton of majors before trying to qualify on the men’s tour to get more of a challenge. Michelle Wie should try winning on her own tour before even thinking about competing with the men. It just doesn’t make sense and I think she is going to suffer a Jennifer Capriati like fate for it. But, I digress. Back to Paula Creamer.
So, she is hot; a winner; and she is only 19. What else does she have going for her? She has a porn name so great that even Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell would have to stand up and clap. Seriously, for a moment lets assume you didn’t know she was a golfer. If you got a popup from some website that was promoting “Never Say Never to Rocco Siffredi #17 starring Ashley Blue, Savanna Samson, and Paula Creamer”, would you even think for a second that her name looked out of place?Catriona Matthew
Nothing really to say except that she has got good teeth for a Scot and doesn’t look a thing like Mrs. Doubtfire. Take that, Monty.Karen Stupples
A few notches above average. Plus she has the somewhat bizarre “Indecent Proposal” like background story of waiting tables after graduating from Florida State and then one night having a patron offer to sponsor her for three years on the tour. Do you think Woody Harrelson could star in this movie? He needs the work. Last time I checked, legalizing hemp doesn’t pay the bills.Kristina Tucker
This girl might be a ringer. Are we sure she isn’t from Scores? Absolutely gorgeous, great body, tall, blonde, and Swedish. She was a contestant on a reality show on the Golf Channel called “The Big Break” (Did anyone know this show even existed?), but apparently didn’t win. Hopefully she makes it on the tour – she had to win a qualifier to get into the Open this year. The LPGA will be a happier place with women like her.Shani Waugh
Bears a striking resemblance to Mike Holmgren. Interpret that however you like.Sherri Steinhauer
Not unattractive, especially for a 40+ old woman.Lorie Kane
If you just showed me her body from the neck down I would have sworn it was Bill Parcells. There is nothing more to say.Morgan Pressel
She is only 18 and if she loses the “Freshman 15”, she goes up to a few notches. A dominant amateur player, she is a virtual lock to be a star on the LPGA for the next 20 years. Very cute girl-next-door features, but let’s hope she doesn’t go her whole life having an inferior rack to Phil Micklelson.
Note: Does anyone else think that Phil might actually have a chance of placing in the money at a wet t-shirt contest? He is not winning outright, but I might put $50 on him as part of a boxed trifecta.Ai Miyazato
She is fairly attractive. But she is from Okinawa, Japan…so if I say anything more will I offend someone’s honor and be forced to fight to the death in a Benihana style restaurant while dozens of strangers play with little drums in the background? I’m not taking any chances.Carin Koch
Very attractive, blonde Swede. Only thing notable is her soon to be launched clothing line, the Carin K Collection, which will include shirts, skirts, Capri pants, and tunics. Yeah, tunics. You read that right. Is there a market for tunics outside of Delta Tau Chi? Really? I guess the real question is does anyone who purchases a tunic automatically get placed on double secret probation?Cristie Kerr
Very sexy. Movie star good looks. Her face is like a cross between Audrey Heller Raines and Angelina Jolie. Don’t ask where I’m going with that, but it works for her. Just to get a idea of how hot she is, looking at pictures of Cristie at a fundraiser with people like Elizabeth Hurley and Melania Knauss, she still holds up well. That says a lot.Tracy Hanson
She is not very attractive to start off, but judging from her website she appears to be some kind of born again Christian, which is very frightening. I only like women who take the Lord’s name in vain.Jeong Jang
Cute face, but the short, stocky spark plug look really isn’t in fashion this year. Or next year. Or the year after that.Dawn Coe-Jones
That’s a man, baby! Seriously, what is the drug testing policy on the LPGA? Her swing coach has to be East German, right?Julieta Granada
At first I didn’t know why she looked so familiar, but then it came to me. It’s Pedro from "Napoleon Dynamite".Heather Young
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse. This is the female version of Coach K. I’m completely serious.Lindsey Wright
Quite attractive. Beautiful eyes and very nice smile. And due to the lack of real media coverage of women’s golf I can’t think of another damn thing to say about her.Wendy Ward
Not good. It’s just not. This isn’t Wendy Testaburger, but she still might make Stan Marsh puke on sight.Maria Hjorth
Big boned with bleached white hair, bad teeth, and a seriously deranged “28 days later” look in her eyes heavily outweigh the fact that she is Swedish.Aree Song
Pretty face with a nice firm, supple teenage body. Plus, she is from Bangkok and I still have a huge Beavis and Butthead streak in me despite the fact that I’m 33 years old. When I read her bio, my internal narrator said “You said ‘Bangkok.’ Heh, heh heh. Yeah, heh heh. That rules. Heh heheh.”Mi Hyun Kim
According to the website, Seoulsisters.com, that tracks the careers of several female Korean golfers, her nickname is Peanut since she is 5’ 1” and she is arguably, pound for pound, the longest hitter since she drives the ball 265-270 yards. That’s enough length to make John Holmes proud. Luckily, she happens to pack some curves into that tight little frame.Yuri Fudoh
A chipmunk face and Mark Cuban haircut makes her pretty scary.Nancy Scranton
A twenty-year pro who just squeezed out twins in December 2004 at age 43 and still has a decent body. She is certainly not Stifler’s Mom, but some MILF points make her slightly above average.Alena Sharp
A 24-year-old Canadian with an athletic build and a face that reminds me of the girl who works in the consulate in "Lethal Weapon 2." She pretty much has the same hair cut as Steve Nash, but much less greasy. Alena also doesn’t possess that extremely disturbing Nash wandering eye. Am I the only one that yells “Get away from me you lazy eyed psycho!” at the screen whenever they show Nash’s eye wandering off to Pluto? Anyway, she is definitely pretty.Angela Stanford
Thought she had a decent face, but once I got below the waist she plummeted. She has thighs like Earl Campbell. If I’m drafting a running back in the first round that’s great. If I’m a woman on the LPGA tour it is down right frightening.Karine Icher
Great body and a pretty face. With shoulder length hair she might even be a contender. She's French but she lives in Switzerland. I’m going to assume she’s given up the Jerry Lewis beliefs and not penalize her for that.Moira Dunn
Picture Andy Reid in drag. Are you ok? Yeah, you passed out for a few minutes, but you’ll be all right. Take a few deep breaths and let’s move on.Diana Luna
The pictures on her website, dianaluna.it, range from very cute girl next door to sultry, sexy as hell, “I could make a few episodes of Red Shoe Diaries if this golf thing doesn’t work out” hot. Definitely among the contenders.Ashley Knoll
Just a junior at Texas A&M, she is definitely hot. Tall and slender with piercing eyes. She also finishes second only to Paula Creamer in the quality porn star name category.Silvia Cavalleri
Nothing really positive or negative either way. Not hard on the eyes; she has a decent body. If she let her hair grow longer than chin length she should definitely grade higher.
Note: Am I the only guy that thinks EVERY girl looks better with long hair? Only a rare exulted few can pull off the short hair thing and only if you have an exceptionally pretty face, like a Cameron Diaz. Most don’t and look more like Billie Jean King.Rosie Jones
Speaking of Billie Jean, Rosie Jones made headlines in 2004 by publicly acknowledging she is a lesbian. I couldn’t be happier. We don’t want her playing with our team anyway. Since women are much more forgiving, maybe now she has a 5% chance that she won’t die alone.Beth Bader
She’s tall, she’s got a strong arm, and she also has the worst haircut on the tour – and that is really saying something. Doesn’t Beth know that the freaky side parted bouffant went out with...wait, who am I kidding? It was never cool to have a hairstyle that would make Rip Taylor blush.Denise Munzlinger
I swear on a stack of Gideon bibles I thought she was white trash cute before I read she was from Missouri.Final Results
- Kristina Tucker (BEST IN SHOW)
- Cristie Kerr
- Diana Luna
- Paula Creamer
- Natalie Gulbis
- Ashley Knoll
- Amanda Blumenherst
- Carin Koch
- Mi Hyun Kim
- Lindsey Wright
- Alena Sharp
- Karine Icher
- Morgan Pressel
- Aree Song
- Shi Hyun Ahn
- Karen Stupples
- Nancy Scranton
- Denise Munzlinger
- Sherri Steinhauer
- Silvia Cavalleri
- Brittany Lincicome
- Rachel Hetherington
- Young Kim
- Ai Miyazato
- Jeong Jang
- Se Ri Pak
- Catriona Matthew
- Angela Stanford
- Wendy Ward
- Yuri Fudoh
- Tracy Hanson
- Beth Bader
- Juli Inkster
- Maria Hjorth
- Annika Sorenstam
- Julieta Granada
- Sophie Gustafson
- Patricia Meunier-LeBouc
- Shani Waugh
- Pat Hurst
- Rosie Jones
- Moira Dunn
- Dawn Coe-Jones
- Heather Young
- Sherri Turner
- Lorie Kane